Calmly Walk Towards the Exits
by Aslan and Krac
Summary: The Immortals get their new mission from the PTB-and explain more than you'd EVER want to know about them.


Calmly Walk Toward The Exits (1/1)  
  
As the door shut behind Aslan and Nate, the final two to enter the  
  
compound Cordelia grabbed Angel as he began to reach for Nate again. "For  
  
crying outloud what the hell is going on? Who are you people and why in the  
  
name of all that is holy did you bring this shit here! As if we don't have  
  
enough problems with the brood-bunny!"  
  
"Nice line. It seems that introductions would be appropriate." Krac began  
  
solicitously. "Nate begin."  
  
"Wha…Why do I have to start?" Nate whimpered sulkily, glaring at Angel as  
  
he tried to practically disappear behind Aslan, only to be dragged back by  
  
Krac to within arms reach of the lovesick vampire.  
  
"Because, if you've been sent here to help we're obviously supposed to train  
  
you." An evil grin lit Krac's face-not an unusual occurrence.  
  
At this Nate paled. "Oh Dear God, No." The boyish-immortal moaned in  
  
abject terror.  
  
"What's your problem?" Aslan's eyebrows rose.  
  
"I'm obviously going to die! Every trainee you've been given in the last  
  
600 years has either died gorily, been misplaced or else mysteriously  
  
disappeared only to wind up stark raving mad." Nate's voice rose several  
  
octaves taking on the quality of a scared-or excited depending on your mind  
  
set-thirteen year old girl, which served only to excite Angel further.  
  
Aslan shook her head, "That's not true. You forgot about all the cult  
  
leaders and that American president…what was his name…? That guy with the  
  
thing, who did that other thing with the bombs and the dog...You know?"  
  
"That was Mackenzie King, he was Canadian…The President was that guy with  
  
the other thing and it was gerbils, hamsters and ferrets not a dog." Krac  
  
reminded her, "Those poor, poor gerbils…Good thing Spunky rescued them..."  
  
"Again with the psychospeak…where are the men in the little white suits with  
  
the butterfly nets when you need them? Can either of you utter a sentence  
  
that makes any kind of sense?" Cordy groaned. "What did I ever do to be  
  
put in the same room with you freaks?"  
  
Krac looked thoughtful, "I don't know but I'd guess your ambition to become  
  
Miss-The-whole-Frickin-Universe-Revolves-Around-Me-Cause-I'm-Pretty-And-Can- Walk-and-Chew-Gum-at-the-Same-Frickin-Time.  
  
didn't help your case."  
  
"What? Is someone upset because I stole their title? Don't worry judging  
  
from your behavior today, you'll get it back…and sooner rather than later."  
  
Cordy replied politely.  
  
"Can we return to what we were talking about and god damn it Aslan get this  
  
freak off of me, please!" Nate cried as he grappled with Angel's octopus  
  
arms.  
  
Aslan glared at the vampire in question. "Angel, if you behave yourself  
  
now…you can play later, maybe."  
  
"WHAT?" Nate yelped in complete horror.  
  
"It's called bargaining, look it up." Krac chirped happily.  
  
Nate waved his arms trying not to let his voice get squeaky again, "Yes, but  
  
I'm the one you're bargaining with! I didn't sign up for this!"  
  
"You didn't sign up for anything, dummy! You were voluntold." Krac pointed  
  
out succinctly.  
  
"Still…"  
  
Aslan glared at her new charge. "As if I'd just hand you over to the dead  
  
guy, idiot."  
  
"I would. I'd have no problem with it at all actually." Krac added  
  
helpfully.  
  
Nate cowered, "Bite me!"  
  
"Are you sure you want to be saying that around him?" Krac grinned as  
  
Angel's face brightened at that remark. "You're such a tease!"  
  
Nate paled, "Umm…I'm just gonna hide behind the superstrong immortal now,  
  
who knows how to stake vampires…Has in fact staked many a vampire and demons  
  
and such and yeah, I'm gonna hide now…'Kay?"  
  
"Has anyone ever told you how sexy you are when you babble?" Angel winked  
  
suggestively.  
  
Continuing to babble Nate tried to hide again, "Umm…No, and we don't need  
  
any trendsetters round here. Thank you very much!"  
  
"For god's sake! Just introduce yourself man!" Giles exploded rubbing his  
  
temples almost wishing he could deal with Fluffy…err…Buffy and her special  
  
brand of 'wit' again; unconsciously Giles made little quotation marks with  
  
his fingers.  
  
"I'm Nate. I work for the PTB, as I have for the last 400 years. I'm a  
  
messenger of sorts…Like Herpes. And I've been sent here to give the best  
  
agent in the PTB her new orders." Nate gushed.  
  
"Then why are you looking at Aslan?" Krac wondered aloud. "Oops…Damn, no  
  
filter."  
  
Seeing a chance to bash Krac for once, Nate smiled. "I thought you stopped  
  
taking the hallucinogens, Krac?"  
  
"What's that supposed to mean, She-man?" Krac growled. "Try telling me,  
  
I'm not the best the PTB has to offer? Who took out Death, Attila the Hun,  
  
and made sure Napoleon came down with a mystical case of syphilis? And I'm  
  
sorry, but you're like Herpes? Do we need to get you some penicillin or  
  
what?"  
  
"Nate, do you notice a pattern here?" Aslan grinned.  
  
Scratching his dress covered thigh Nate smiled, "Denial?"  
  
"Yep. It's nice to know that you can REWRITE history with the best of them,  
  
Krac. You could give Jackie Collins a run for her money with that little  
  
fictional 'alteration' you just spouted." Aslan nodded.  
  
Krac bobbed up and down to the delight of Spike, Xander and Oz-Aslan made a  
  
note to remind her to wear a bra, "C'mon Aslan, I did convince Death to lay  
  
down his sword. I may make mistakes but I can fix them."  
  
"Yeah. Except when I'm forced to fix them for you." Aslan crossed her arms  
  
over her chest.  
  
With a put-upon sigh Krac wheedled, "When are you going to let go of that?  
  
How many times do I have to apologize? I'm sorry you were forced to be  
  
Attila's young virgin bride. I thought we were even when you had me  
  
imprisoned with the Marquis De Sade for three months."  
  
Aslan glared. "Right. I 'had' you imprisoned. I had no powers, retard.  
  
I couldn't do anything about it. And if you really want to continue this  
  
discussion, I'll need a pad of paper and a pencil to list everything you've  
  
done to me. What you consider a joke is very often the exact opposite!"  
  
Krac glared at her partner, sticking out her tongue in a pique of fury. "So  
  
sue me. I have a strange sense of humor…or maybe it's just perspective."  
  
"When we were in Spain you told the Inquisitor I was a witch!" Aslan roared.  
  
Using her hands Krac made shooing motions, "Please that was hilarious…until  
  
they burnt you at the stake. Is it my fault you floated? How many times  
  
do I have to tell you that when the tribunal dunks you in the pond, you stay  
  
at the bottom until they think you're dead! You're clueless when it comes  
  
to dealing with the plebeians."  
  
"I'm going to..." Aslan's face was turning red.  
  
"End you!" the Sunnydale boys chorused to the confusion of the LA crowd.  
  
Sticking her tongue out Aslan huffed, "Bite me."  
  
"What, are you channeling Nate, now?" Krac laughed gleefully.  
  
The veins in Aslan's temple throbbed. "Why don't you go outside and play  
  
hide and go fuck yourself. Or better yet go play in the road."  
  
"Love to, but I'm not up to giving any old ladies heart attacks today. You  
  
know I just bounce and roll; it's just not any fun anymore. Although on the  
  
bright side if it wasn't for my untimely rising from the dead Queen Victoria  
  
would've never died. But that's what the old bag gets for selling her soul  
  
so cheaply. Eternal life and world domination-I'd have asked for youth as  
  
well but maybe she liked being a wrinkled old bag. The British have no  
  
imagination." Krac polished her nails on her shirt.  
  
"Hey!" Both Wesley and Giles spluttered.  
  
As Spike glared, "Oi! I'll 'ave you know I've got quite the imagination on  
  
me."  
  
"Sorry, Spike." Xander grinned. "I don't think perversion counts as  
  
imagination."  
  
"Why not?" Spike pouted prettily.  
  
Giles sat heavily in a chair, "If you're finished mocking my heritage can we  
  
please get this over with? I still need to catalogue and sort Aslan's  
  
library."  
  
"Oh, so that's what they're calling it these days, eh Rupert?" Xander  
  
grinned mockingly.  
  
Aslan sighed, "If I hadn't spent over 7,000 years with Krac I would've never  
  
believed that so many dirty little thoughts could exist in one mind."  
  
"Is that a compliment?" Xander perked up.  
  
"Do you want to take it as one?" Aslan arched her brow playfully at the  
  
dark haired youth.  
  
The dark haired young man smiled broadly, "Sure. I'll take them any way I  
  
can get 'em."  
  
Spike coughed politely. "Loser."  
  
"Shut up, Blondie. I guess I should introduce myself…my name is Aslan. I  
  
think I'm a little over 8,000 years old, give or take. I stopped counting  
  
after the first couple of hundred years. A girl can only admit to so many  
  
birthday's before it becomes embarrassing. So let's just say I'm older than  
  
all of you combined…And Herpes, the Wonder Messenger over there and leave it  
  
at that. Life hasn't really been the same for me since the classical era  
  
ended. I used to work in Divine intervention but a certain someone decided  
  
to ignore me and lose a continent…"  
  
Krac looked up innocently, "Who? Nate? Don't you know better than to play  
  
with the red buttons?"  
  
"How'd you know they were red?" Nate shot back, "I wasn't even alive then  
  
anyway!"  
  
"Why put a button somewhere if it's not supposed to be touched? It seems  
  
rather stupid to make a button that destroys an entire island if pressed!  
  
Buttons are made to be pushed…it's their function! Like it's a Scots man's  
  
function to…" Krac began, "To like silky ladies panties under their kilts…"  
  
Krac finished then returned to her previous rant, "But I didn't know I was  
  
doing something wrong…"  
  
Aslan was unimpressed, "And the big posters that read 'Warning Do NOT press  
  
the BIG RED BUTTON because it will SINK THE ENTIRE ISLAND' didn't make it  
  
clear enough to you that it was dangerous to play with them?"  
  
"But they were shiny buttons…" Krac began, "You know I like buttons…"  
  
Cordy looked at her watch, "Can I go now or are you planing on making sense  
  
sometime this year?"  
  
"I'm making sense!" Aslan roared then quieted deciding on the simple  
  
approach, "I'm old, I'm powerful…so try not to piss me off too much or I can  
  
and will…"  
  
"END YOU!!!" Krac lead the boys in cheering.  
  
Aslan reddened more, "Stop that! I will…  
  
"NO!!!" Cordy raised her hands to her ears to block out some of the lunacy  
  
in the room.  
  
When the prom-queen uncovered them everyone was silent and Aslan actually  
  
looked contrite until she muttered, "End you." Under her breath.  
  
"Alright!" Cordy roared, "Say it again! I have a crossbow and know how to  
  
use it! If you insist on continuing this shit…I'll have no choice but to…"  
  
Krac smiled brightly helping Angel get closer to the cringing Nate even if  
  
it meant going through Aslan to do it, "End her?"  
  
"YES!" Cordy yelled then calmed.  
  
Moving slowly she sat down and put her head in her hands. Taking his first  
  
cue to speak Wesley piped up looking at Krac, "And you would be?"  
  
All eyes moved towards the purple haired girl biting her nails in an attempt  
  
to ignore Aslan's continued glares. A poke in the side brought Krac back to  
  
reality, "Oww what? Are ya done?"  
  
Aslan groaned, "About ten minutes ago…you weren't paying attention! You  
  
never pay attention to me! I could have hot pokers in my eyes and you  
  
wouldn't notice."  
  
"Yes I would." Krac edged.  
  
Fury lit Aslan's face, "You didn't last time! For Christ's sakes just tell  
  
them who you are!"  
  
"I told you not to say that name…never ever…ever say that name!" Krac stuck  
  
her fingers in her ears in an attempt to block out the hated memory.  
  
"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus! Jesus Christ…Superstar!" Aslan taunted gleefully  
  
finally managing to return some of the pain Krac had been causing her.  
  
The fingers came out and formed wicked looking fists; "I wouldn't have such  
  
a problem with that era of my life if I wasn't painted so negatively in that  
  
dumbassed book. I always knew those dorks were jealous! There's something  
  
very wrong about a group of dudes wearing dresses following another dude  
  
around…calling themselves 'Apostles'." Krac spit on the ground, "I've heard  
  
of boy bands with better names than that! All because I had HIS undivided  
  
attention…it's not my fault HE had needs that he didn't want them  
  
fulfilling…ugh!"  
  
"Krac this trip down memory lane is a joy but we don't have the time…" Aslan  
  
cautioned her partner whose face was turning several shades of red, "Please,  
  
just tell them."  
  
"You keep saying that!" Giles muttered to himself, "You say you don't have  
  
time yet you ramble on as if we will all live forever- not just the two of  
  
you…"  
  
The Immortals looked to each other then turned as one to Giles, "We need to  
  
have a little talk about speaking only when we're spoken to- don't we little  
  
man?" Krac tisked.  
  
"Did he just do what I think he did?" Aslan asked then assumed a Cartman  
  
voice, "Are you questioning my AUTHORITA?"  
  
Nate shook his head, "Listen Tweedboy…Piece of advice. Never point out when  
  
they're wrong or make no sense. Because it will always end up being your  
  
fault…in their world even when they're wrong they're right."  
  
The Immortals looked at each other once more with impossibly identical evil  
  
smiles. Krac turned to Angel, "Gee Angel, old boy I think Nate's bleeding…"  
  
"No I'm…" Nate realized too late he'd broken his own rule.  
  
Krac's fist connected with his nose with just enough force to cause blood to  
  
rush out. Angel leapt towards the young man with delirious glee and began  
  
to maul the immortal. Spike watched cheerfully, "For the love of Pete, my  
  
kingdom for a camera! Why is it that someone can be around the tape the cops  
  
beating some motorist up but not the Poof acting like a Poof?"  
  
"As opposed to him acting like...?" Aslan asked.  
  
"A poof." Krac finished yawning, "But we were talking about me weren't we?"  
  
Nate scrambled on the floor under Angel's weight, "Help!" Giving up any hope  
  
that his fellow immortals would actually assist him he lifted his knee to  
  
the area roughly described as Angel's 'manhood'.  
  
"Ooooh…No fair mate!" Spike hissed.  
  
"Queensbury rules!" Giles winced.  
  
"Do it again!" Krac urged remembering how good it had felt to use Angel's  
  
testicles as soccer balls.  
  
Putting her fingers in the corners of her mouth Aslan let out a sharp  
  
whistle. All present righted themselves and looked chagrined in the face of  
  
her fury. With a death glare at Nate she sighed, "Nate why is it that you  
  
refuse to take this seriously? Just stop putting your twisted sexual urges  
  
first and tell us what the new mission is!"  
  
"Ouch, that wasn't fair was it?" Krac asked with no sincerity, "Wish I'd  
  
said it."  
  
Nate reddened, "twisted sexual urges! The vampire was practically raping me  
  
and it's my fault?"  
  
"Who picked out that dress?" Krac raised an eyebrow.  
  
"What does that have to do with it?" Nate sputtered.  
  
Krac shrugged, "Well if you dress a certain way you just have to expect  
  
trouble…and from the looks of it wearing a dress like that you're asking for  
  
a vampire to rape you. Showing all that cleavage and neck…not to mention the  
  
way the baby shit green accentuates your eyes."  
  
"Bite me!" Nate roared feeling distinctly murderous-too bad he couldn't kill  
  
Krac.  
  
Krac's eyes widened, "See what I mean? You keep saying that…you should know  
  
better than to say that in the company you're keeping. You just keep asking  
  
for him to…"  
  
"Krac!" Aslan sighed rubbing her temples in a very Giles-like fashion that  
  
did not go ignored by Xander and Spike but any of their comments were cut  
  
off by a wave of Aslan's hand, "just give us the mission Nate!"  
  
Taking a breath Nate calmed himself, "You have to go to 227 Laurence Ave,  
  
pick up Miss Sugar Plum Sexpot and escort her to the *Goddess of The Unknown  
  
Universe Pageant* and protect her at all costs- without influencing the  
  
outcome of the little meat parade. If you get my meaning." Nate finished  
  
as he convulsed in a series of spasms and winking.  
  
"Ummm…Aslan, I think we need that penicillin, now." Krac eyed the spasming  
  
messenger warily. "Or should I just kill him before he turns on us?"  
  
"Bi- Fuck off!" Nate yelped eying Angel with no small amount of panic.  
  
"No biting, fangboy. Or you'll be looking at your balls in their new home  
  
as my earrings.  
  
Krac giggled. "Both ears, Herpes? You do know what that signifies don't  
  
you? Veggie boy had both of his ears pierced…"  
  
"And you talk about 'my twisted sexual urges?'" Nate griped.  
  
"Hey, Buster- see how exciting the missionary position is after 7,000  
  
years…then we'll talk about 'urges!'" Krac glared.  
  
"Excuse me – we've got a 'Sexpot' to protect…" Aslan growled. "Sugarplum  
  
Sexpot - JESUS…I'm too fucking old for this shit."  
  
"So, if you're Danny Glover does that make me, Mel?" Krac leered.  
  
Aslan glowered "Why do you get to be, Mel?"  
  
"Well you said 'you were too old for this shit'-so that makes you Danny and  
  
I'm you're partner, so that would make me Mel." Krac explained  
  
"But I want to be, Mel." Aslan cried out stomping her foot.  
  
Krac sighed, "But you're older and Danny was older…and I'm far too pale to  
  
be Danny anyway at least you tan!"  
  
"I do not!" Aslan pulled up her long sleeve to reveal an expanse of pale  
  
white skin.  
  
All present in the room cringed at the light reflecting off of the  
  
immortal's skin. Nate cried out in horror, "I'm blind! I'm blind!"  
  
Aslan glared at him but still heard Spike's muttered, "Are you sure you're  
  
not a vampire, luv?"  
  
"Bite me," Aslan pouted. "I want to be Mel."  
  
"Fine!" Krac huffed, "Be Mel…he had that nasty mullet in the 80's anyway."  
  
Aslan looked thoughtful for a moment, "Okay, I'll be Danny."  
  
"Jesus!" Cordelia shrieked, "You both realize that no one but Mel can  
  
actually be Mel, right?"  
  
The immortals looked at each other then in a blink of an eye they both  
  
morphed into the Australian actor. The twin Mel's looked at each other then  
  
the one that resembled Mel in 'The patriot' smiled at the other from 'Lethal  
  
Weapon', and uttered a swaggering, "How you doing?"  
  
"I'm pretty messed up Patriot Mel…My wife died in an explosion and I'm quite  
  
mental now."  
  
The other Mel nodded and hollered, "Get me a flag! They killed my sons! The  
  
English killed my children!"  
  
Wesley, Giles and Spike jumped- then looked uncomfortable at the outburst.  
  
"Which one, Patriot Mel?" Lethal Weapon Mel made an American flag  
  
materialize in his hands, "Wesley, Giles or Spike? I'll bet it was Spike  
  
because Giles is really more of a lover than a fighter and I'm not sure  
  
about Wesley yet." Lethal weapon Mel leered at the former watcher making him  
  
feel even more distinctly uncomfortable.  
  
Patriot Mel made his way over to the young man and began to feel his arms  
  
and torso, all the while making appreciative noises, "Not bad, what size are  
  
your shoes again? Maybe there'll be a spot for you with the boys at  
  
home…speaking of which did we feed them Lethal Weapon Mel? You know how  
  
irreplaceable that Heath is…"  
  
"But you married a young wife, Patriot Mel…she can replace him…you could  
  
even name them the same and it'll be like you never lost them." Lethal  
  
Weapon Mel sniggered, remembering their favorite in-joke.  
  
"That's preposterous!" Giles sighed sitting down wearily, "That would never  
  
work."  
  
Patriot Mel morphed back into the form of Krac, "Hey! That's not true! When  
  
my cat gizmo died I just named the next one Gizmo two it was all right…sure  
  
one was black and the other white and Two there did develop a personality  
  
disorder which resulted in it masterminding an assassination attempt on  
  
Caesar…two hundred years after he died the first time…"  
  
Lethal Weapon Mel morphed back to Aslan who pouted. "That was your cat? You  
  
hate Julius so much that you infected your cat against him? Damn you! Juli  
  
was a good man and he was mine! Who cares if he raped and pillaged and  
  
killed your pet Druids!"  
  
"I care dammit! He was short and bald and had a mead belly that made him  
  
look ten months pregnant!"  
  
Cordelia coughed and attempted to be the voice of reason. "Umm…yeah can we  
  
forget about the guy who owns the pizza chain stores and just go get the  
  
Sexpot and protect it so you two can take your big ball of crazy and park it  
  
somewhere else? Please!"  
  
"And you know all kinds of things about balls don't you, Miss Chase?" Krac  
  
grinned laviciously.  
  
Xander sighed, "I never thought I'd live to see the day when Cordy would be  
  
the voice of reason…the world has got to be ending now."  
  
  
  
The End....Until the next time. 


End file.
